Unveiling the Journey: Sober Curator Allyson Sullivan Reflects on the Evolution of Sobriety from Year 1 to Year 2

As of November 28th, I am officially two years sober. That is two years without a sip of alcohol. It’s not a one-off beer or a sneaky sip of wine. Not a champagne toast on New Year or a Guinness on St. Patrick’s Day. Never in a million years did I think I would be able to say this, and I never expected to say that with enthusiasm! Sobriety is a never-ending journey, and I keep learning more and more the longer I stay sober. Today, I wanted to talk about my first year of sobriety compared with my second year of sobriety. While the journey has been exciting and eye-opening, there are definite differences in my mental state, handling things, and overall stance on many topics.

The Urge to Drink

My first year of sobriety was spent counting days, weeks, and months of not drinking. I downloaded an app and joined an online sober community, and I truly needed all those things as an outlet and a reminder of why I am choosing not to partake. I was physically uncomfortable in scenarios where I would typically drink, AKA everywhere 😉. I had to actively talk myself out of not buying wine after a hard day at work. When we went out to eat, I would typically order a non-alcoholic beer or a mocktail to make me feel like I was drinking something fancy. Weddings, birthday parties, and holidays felt like the Olympics of hard decisions and white-knuckling the urge not to say “fuck it” and dive into the wine.

It was on my mind constantly, whether I was excited and proud of myself for my abstinence or I was questioning why the hell I was doing this again. The urge was there, and the cravings were intense. And some nights, I had to go to bed early or find some activity to distract myself so that I didn’t drink. I was SO FUCKING LUCKY that Korey did the first year with me, so I didn’t have to deal with alcohol being in the house or watching the most important person in my life drink in front of my face. I could have done it, but I think it would have been 10x harder if I constantly had temptation in my face or refrigerator.

My second year of sobriety seems like it came and went in the blink of an eye. I wasn’t counting days anymore. I overlooked my two-year soberversary by a few days because I forgot! I am still a part of the same online community mentioned above and try to respond to others, reaching out for support/help when possible. I also post around milestones to inspire others in the group, but I am not as active as I was during that first year. I don’t need the constant support and reinforcement I did that first year. I feel comfortable in social situations and scenarios where I would have usually been drinking. I can watch other people drink without having the urge or the craving to want one myself. Frequently, when we go out to dinner, I get a soda or water rather than the mocktail or non-alcoholic beer I used to get. Not to say that those aren’t great options and that I don’t order them sometimes, but I feel much more comfortable ordering water now without feeling like I am missing something.

Where special occasions used to be the hardest for me, I now welcome the occasions and find even more comfort in my sobriety during these events. I love being able to drive friends’ home, enjoy something to its full extent, and know that I will wake up the following day remembering every moment and feeling refreshed. Korey has had a few drinks since that first year but has probably only drank on 3-4 occasions, none of which got him drunk. He never drinks in front of me, never buys it or has it in the house, and has no desire to drink himself. None of this is because of my requests/demands or my comfort level; he has just seen the same benefits as me in sobriety and wants them for himself as well.   

Social Situations

My first year of sobriety was very, very, very hard for me socially. My friends or family reading this may disagree or think it was easy. That’s because I am very good at hiding my real feelings, a people pleaser, and I never wanted anyone to feel any discomfort because of me. I spent that first year feeling like this was my doing and my responsibility to take care of, and I wasn’t ever going to ask anyone not to drink or to change how they would typically behave because of me. I felt like I needed to “tough it out” and put myself in uncomfortable situations to make it through. I spent much time at parties, dinners, or events, feeling like I wanted to crawl out of my skin. The smell of a glass of red wine or the reflex to “cheers” a shot was so overwhelming sometimes that I had to physically leave and go to the bathroom or go outside for some fresh air. I realized that I had spent the last 20 years bonding with people over alcohol and didn’t feel like I had any actual social skills at all when the alcohol was stripped away. I had a hard time conversing with people, making eye contact with people, and just existing in a social situation without the crutch I had been leaning on for so long.

My second year of sobriety was spent re-learning those social skills that I spent the first year of sobriety, realizing I was missing. I started having honest and genuine conversations with people rather than blackout small talk that no one would remember the next day. I learned about people’s families, jobs, hobbies, and likes/dislikes. I am talking about people I have known and considered close friends/family for YEARS that I realized I didn’t know anything about deeper than the surface level. I won’t lie; I still feel slightly awkward at the beginning of an event when the drinks are being offered and everyone else’s drinking begins. I won’t say it’s hard, but I still cringe when I know someone is pulling out the seltzer water or sodas from the back of their fridge for me that hasn’t been touched in six months 😉. I can dance at a wedding or a party without feeling like I forgot how to move my body. I can make small talk with strangers without feeling like I need to retreat before someone makes eye contact with me immediately. And most importantly, I can leave when I fucking want to. I arrive at social events, enjoy them the way they are meant to be enjoyed, and leave to go home to my bed. It sounds so simple, but I struggled with it for so long.

Talking About It

I didn’t know how to talk about my choice not to drink during that first year. I had successfully done non-drinking challenges like Dry January or Sober October before. For some socially acceptable reason, I relied on the “challenge” aspect when I told people why I wasn’t drinking. I didn’t know how long I would go without drinking, and I didn’t want to draw any lines in the sand in terms of specific goals or labels, so I just stuck with “I am trying to go a year without drinking.” I told people that I knew what my life looked like with alcohol in it, so I wanted to commit to a year without it to see what my life looked like in that light. I didn’t talk to anyone other than probably Korey, my parents, and a few close friends about my real struggles with my relationship with alcohol – my pride wouldn’t let me wear that badge quite yet. So, I kept it light, kept it chill, and told people that my hangovers were getting worse, and I wanted to try to go a year without it. The conversations didn’t go any deeper than that. I kept it surface-level because I was scared to commit to anything or to seem like a failure if I ended up drinking again.

I made my first post on social media in my first year soberversary. This was the first time I had gone “public” talking about my experience with giving up alcohol. The response I got was overwhelming. I had so much support and loving comments from those in my life, people close to me, and acquaintances I hadn’t talked to. I also had many people message me directly, letting me know how much my story resonated with them and that they were inspired to examine their relationship with alcohol. I was so humbled and excited by the response to my sharing a tiny tidbit of my story that it planted the seed in my head that maybe it needed to be shared in more detail.

Six months later, I made my first Shimmer & Shame blog post and have been writing weekly posts to share my story with others since then. The feedback I have had on the blog has been incredible and nothing but positive and supportive. Any time I have someone reach out to me to let me know that a post resonated with them or to tell me that I have inspired them in some way to examine their relationship with alcohol or given them the courage to try to cut back on their alcohol consumption, I know I am doing the right thing. I went from being scared to admit my sobriety to writing openly about my struggles and story in a short amount of time, and I am so glad I have.

My Thoughts on Alcohol in General

That first year of sobriety was filled with a lot of confusion and shame related to my relationship with alcohol. When I first started, I hadn’t done a ton of research on alcohol or sobriety, so I was very much in the mindset that I was the problem. I had something wrong with me, and that’s why I couldn’t handle alcohol the way it was meant to be taken. I felt small and inadequate and like I wasn’t a strong enough person to be able to handle this fun, delicious beverage. I was sad when I thought about not having alcohol in my life anymore because it had brought me so many fun times. I spent the first year of sobriety immersing myself in Quit Lit (literature about quitting alcohol), sobriety podcasts, and online sober communities. I initially dove into these resources for help with quitting strategies, but I found so much more.

I spent the second year of my sobriety trying to share with people what I had learned in my first year of sobriety related to alcohol and the concept of sobriety as a whole. To put it bluntly, alcohol is poison, and there is no “safe” or “responsible” way to enjoy alcohol. Women addicted to alcohol die, on average, 20 years sooner than those not addicted to alcohol. Women who drink more than an average of four drinks daily quadruple their chances of dying from heart disease and are five times more likely to have a stroke. Women who drink three drinks per week have a 15% higher chance of developing breast cancer.

When I started to learn about the actual dangers and health issues caused by alcohol, it honestly changed my entire outlook and made me view things in a completely different way. I was no longer sad or felt like I was missing something by not drinking. I went from mourning alcohol to being thoroughly disgusted by the thought of it. It is unbelievable how much things have swung for me, in all honesty. I HIGHLY suggest reading the book “This Naked Mind” by Annie Grace if you want to learn more about the truth behind alcohol. I am not exaggerating when I say this book changed my life and made this whole experience so much EASIER when I was able to shift my mindset related to it.

Sources: Women Increasingly Dying of Alcohol-Related Causes (webmd.com), How much is too much alcohol? Go by the numbers, not by feel – Mayo Clinic Press, Ways Alcohol Affects Your Heart (clevelandclinic.org), The Link Between Breast Cancer and Alcohol (webmd.com)

Sober Curator Pro Tip: You can find our review on This Naked Mind by Annie Grace HERE

My View of the Future

As I discussed above, I spent the first year of sobriety with no goal other than to get through a one-year “challenge.” I was terrified of any long-term thoughts. I couldn’t comprehend what my life would look like in the long term without alcohol, so I wouldn’t let myself think about it and just kept my head down and focused on getting through that first year. When people asked me what my plan was after the year ended, I refused to commit to anything. Even after I realized I was feeling terrific and started learning about the actual health threats related to alcohol, I still couldn’t bring myself to think much further into the future. I was focused on taking everything a day at a time, and I honestly still recommend this to anyone. The future is a scary place to think about sometimes, whether regarding alcohol or anything else, so try to live in the present and take everything a day at a time.

I never see myself drinking alcohol again, and I can now confidently say that. The thought of living a life without alcohol doesn’t scare me the way it used to. I have experienced so much joy and adrenaline and laughter and adventure and emotions without the use of alcohol, which I genuinely didn’t think was possible without alcohol two years ago. I feel very stable and sure of my decision not to drink, and I don’t see that changing anytime soon. I have so much proof and evidence of what a life without alcohol can give to me and my family that I don’t see any reason I would ever want to re-introduce it. The risk is too high, and the reward is non-existent.

I am 100% confident that my views and experiences in all the categories above will continue to evolve and change as I head into my third year of sobriety and beyond. I can’t wait to come back here and compare how I felt in year two with how I will feel in years three, four, five, ten, twenty, fifty, etc. Getting and staying sober is an exciting, life-changing, and eye-opening experience I still enjoy daily. Please don’t hesitate to contact me if you have any questions, need support, or need a listening ear. I am here all the time for anyone and everyone who needs help navigating this experience.

SHIMMER & SHAME: We’re thrilled to unveil a new, vibrant column at The Sober Curator – ‘Shimmer & Shame.’ This column, by Sober Curator Allyson Sullivan, aims to bridge the gap between relatability and reality in the realms of sobriety, nutrition, fitness, and mental health.

The sober journey is unique for everyone. Not everyone has hit rock bottom, and not all are at the peak of their wellness journey. There’s a whole world in-between, and that’s where most of us reside. ‘Shimmer & Shame’ is about exploring this middle ground, this grey area of wellness and recovery that often goes unspoken. ‘Shimmer & Shame’ hopes to resonate with readers, offering a mirror to Allyson’s experiences, thoughts, and feelings. She aims to create a sense of camaraderie, assuring you that you’re not alone in your journey.

Expect a mélange of stories, details, and personal anecdotes that are usually kept under wraps. From hilarious accounts to tear-jerking narratives to shocking revelations, ‘Shimmer & Shame’ promises a roller-coaster ride of emotions. Yes, there will be frank language, and yes, she may lose focus at times, but the heart of each story will remain the same – honesty and authenticity.

Resources Are Available

If you or someone you know is experiencing difficulties surrounding alcoholism, addiction, or mental illness, please reach out and ask for help. People everywhere can and want to help; you just have to know where to look. And continue to look until you find what works for you. Click here for a list of regional and national resources.

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