‘There are flies in my apartment’ by Andrew Littlefield

There are flies in my apartment, and I only have excuses.

I forgot to take out the garbage last week because I couldn’t get off the couch.

I couldn’t get off the couch because I was depressed.

I was depressed because I quit my job.

I quit my job because my mental health couldn’t take the pressure.

My mental health couldn’t take the pressure because I got too invested in the work.

I got too invested in the work because I didn’t see enough people doing it.

I didn’t see enough people doing it because they were taking care of themselves first.

They were taking care of themselves first so they didn’t become like me.

There are flies in my apartment.

They fly past my face and I feel all the derision I have for myself bubble to the service.

They fly past and I tell myself I am disgusting because I did not take out the garbage last week.

I forget that I did not take the garbage out because I am depressed.

I forget that I do not deserve to be depressed, and I tell myself I do.

I forget how familiar it feels to want to end it all, I remember the comfort I receive from pain.

I remember how easy it is to tell myself that I deserve it. 

I forget that God didn’t die for me so I could feel like this, I forget that He loves me.

I remember others that love me in my head, but I forget that others love me in my heart.

I forget why I care. I forget why it matters. 

I forget why I should even make the effort to get off this couch.

There are flies in my apartment, and I only have excuses.

I am disgusting, when they fly past my face I remember that.

I embrace it because it is the only justification for how I feel.

No one could feel this horrible without deserving it.

No one would have flies in their apartment without deserving it. 

This is what I get for making excuses.

I took out the garbage, I tried cleaning what I could, and the flies are still here.

There are flies in my apartment and I only have excuses.

I fixed the problem and flies are still here, so they must never go away.

Now for the rest of my life I will have flies, and excuses.

There are deadly thoughts in my head, and I only have excuses.

They are in my head because I do not take care of myself.

I do not care about myself because some evil deep inside me wants me to suffer.

Some evil deep inside me wants to suffer because I think I deserve it.

I think I deserve it because it makes it easier to accept it.

I forget that I can heal.

I remember that I was healed once.

I forget that I can heal again.

There are flies in my apartment, and I only have excuses.

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Call 988 to reach the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. It provides free and confidential support 24 hours a day, seven days a week for people in suicidal crisis or distress. You can learn more about its services here, including its guide on what to do if you see suicidal language on social media. You can also call that number to talk to someone about how you can help a person in crisis. For crisis support in Spanish, call 1-888-628-9454.

For support outside of the US, a worldwide directory of resources and international hotlines is provided by the International Association for Suicide Prevention. You can also turn to Befrienders Worldwide.​

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If you or someone you love is living with substance use, alcohol misuse, a co-occurring, or a behavioral health disorder there is hope. The Break Free Foundation aids individuals seeking recovery through the Break Free Scholarship Fund which sends anyone who lacks the financial resources to attend a recovery center to do so at low to no cost to them. 

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