Even though I have a genetic predisposition to addiction, a significant reason I started drinking was my inability to accept who God made me to be. I knew I was different, but fear kept me from admitting it. Instead, I turned to alcohol, spending the next 22 years getting blackout drunk and trying desperately to force myself into heterosexual relationships. 

It took me 46 years, including ten years into my sobriety journey, to finally find the courage to explore my sexuality. I am incredibly lucky because I had supportive friends and family who encouraged this journey. Sadly, many others are not as fortunate and face this path without the love and support they desperately need. When I’m out in public holding hands with the love of my life, who happens to be a woman, I often wonder if those avoiding eye contact were raised with the same beliefs that kept my partner closeted until her forties. 

Before I continue, I want to clarify that this is not a criticism of religion but a heartfelt plea to those who feel torn between their faith and their love for family, friends, or someone close to them. It breaks my heart to think that anyone would feel forced to choose between their deeply held beliefs and the people they care about most. I know many good Christians who were raised with those same beliefs but now demonstrate through their actions of love, support, and friendship that humans, not divine will, created some of what they learned. 

Remember the game, “Would You Rather?” The very premise of that game brings to mind the dangers of never challenging our beliefs. It underscores how harmful rigid beliefs can be if left unexamined. I know people who still struggle with the convictions with which they were raised, but when someone they care about comes out, they make a powerful choice. Rather than walking away or offering a polite smile, they continue to show up, supporting their loved ones with the same unwavering love and presence. 

And for those that don’t, the alternative can be devastating. Let’s explore why.

Here are some “Would You Rather” scenarios you could consider when thinking about the impacts of hiding one’s sexuality: 

• Would you rather your friend keep their identity hidden and turn to alcohol or drugs to cope with their pain or live a sober, authentic life surrounded by people who love them unconditionally? 

• Would you rather perpetuate beliefs that contribute to your loved one’s mental health struggles or challenge those beliefs to create a more supportive and loving environment? 

• Would you rather your family members suffer in silence, battling suicidal thoughts due to a lack of acceptance, or see them flourish with the reassurance that their identity is celebrated, not condemned? 

• Would you rather risk losing someone you care about to the despair of living a lie or stand by them as they live their truth, even if it challenges your beliefs? 

As we wrap up, I invite you to reflect on the evolution of societal norms and values, especially within a religious context. I’m not asking you to change your beliefs; instead, I’m urging you to take a good, honest look at the impact those beliefs can have on someone you love. Consider how a more inclusive and supportive stance might strengthen your relationships and promote the well-being and happiness of those struggling. Let’s challenge ourselves to grow, evolve, and create a world where everyone can live authentically and without fear. 

If you wish to explore the evolution of societal norms and values in its stance around homosexuality, I highly recommend you watch the documentary 1946: The Mistranslation That Shifted Culture. You can find out more here: 1946themovie.com. If you are an avid reader, you can find the American Library Association’s selective bibliography on LGBTQ religion and spirituality HERE.

Here are three of our top recommendations for exploring Christian theological approaches to LGBTQ spirituality: 

• Radical Love: An Introduction to Queer Theology by Patrick S. Cheng 

• Queer Theology: Beyond Apologetics by Linn Marie Tonstad 

• Outside the Lines: How Embracing Queerness Will Transform Your Faith by Mihee Kim-Kort, (Forward by Rachel Held Evans) 

COMING OUT SOBER: Welcome to Coming Out Sober! I’m Tamar Medford, your guide through the wild ride of sobriety and self-discovery My mission is to create a safe, supportive space for those navigating sobriety and LGBTQ+ identities. I aim to inspire others by sharing my story and exploring the unique challenges we face. Together, we’ll break down barriers, challenge rigid beliefs, and celebrate living authentically. Whether it’s through personal anecdotes or reflections on societal norms, I hope to foster a community where everyone feels seen, heard, and loved.

Here, you’ll find stories from me and others about living sober and out loud. Let’s dive into the hilarious, heartbreaking, and everything in-between moments of breaking free from booze and societal norms.

I use my life experience and empathy to create vision for others to see what’s possible.

I started to question my sexuality at the age of 12. I began drinking at 14 to suppress my true self, leading to 22 years of alcoholism. After a decade of sobriety, I finally gained the courage to embrace my sexuality. My mission is to inspire others to live authentically and challenge rigid beliefs. Through personal stories and reflections, I aim to create a supportive space for those navigating sobriety and LGBTQ+ identities.

Sober Curator Fun Fact! A handful of Sober Curator Contributors identify as being in the LBGTQIA+ community. With this new Coming Out Sober! column, you will hear multiple voices and perspectives from our Sober Curator Contributor community.

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Resources Are Available

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