Relationship Conflicts: Taking the Bait

What do relationship experts mean when they use the term “Taking the Bait?” Think about a fish hooked on a fishing line without the ability to unhook themselves. This is what happens when we get hooked in a conversation. We want to defend ourselves or double down on our point of view. We can also get triggered immediately into codependent traits, such as urgently feeling the need to fix, change, and save someone or just get them to understand! We end up like the fish, flailing about, wondering how we got into this situation. 

Do you have people in your life who can activate you like no other humans? Part of recovering from codependency is identifying who these folks are and how to get beyond activation and improve our communication skills. We want 

to stop relentlessly riding an emotional rollercoaster based on other people’s behavior. The three people over the years who could “drive me crazy” were my dad, my ex, and my son. Kids, parents, and exes are fertile ground for this reactivity. 

One of the biggest practices in codependency recovery is learning how to “not go to every fight you’re invited to.” Particular people in our lives know what buttons to push, and our jobs are to do what I call “the Columbo.” Do you know the old show Columbo with the detective who appeared to be slow, dumb, and clueless, but behind that extra-large raincoat, messy hair, and sneaky smile, he was figuring it all out? A suspect would throw out bait angrily and defensively, “How could you blame me for that?” And he would calmly say something in response like…”Oh, forgive me. I don’t think you’re guilty; I’m just trying to get clarification. I need your help.” He remained calm and never reacted to what the bad guys were dishing out. He calmly paused, took a breath, and responded. 

We have loved ones who are keenly aware of throwing firecrackers, which land on our heads, leading to an explosive reaction, and others have no idea that they are upsetting us. A known baiter is someone who knows exactly what to say to get a particular response. (My 22-year-old son.) They may do this behavior to transfer blame, take the focus off of themselves, continue participating in an addiction, ameliorate guilt, and/or just be committed to a familiar way of relating. They are experts at displacing feelings. 

Then there are people who have no idea what they are saying or doing and wonder why people get upset with them. There can be a variety of reasons for these personalities. They may be people with substance abuse issues, victims, chronically angry people, people in constant crisis, people who never change, people who are addicted to chaos, people addicted to problems and suffering, passive-aggressive people, help-rejectors, people who think they know everything and many more. The bottom line is no matter how these people behave, we are still responsible for our own reactions, happiness, and choices. 

One common clue that you are receiving bait is that in your head, a voice may say, “Are you fking kidding me right now?” This happened to me when I was engaged, and my fiance told me, “I’m wondering if I should go to Sweden for a week. I may have some unfinished business with a woman there.” What did he just say? Are we not engaged? Sweden, where they take nude hot tubs? He had to communicate this now?!

The other clue we are hooked or activated by this relational dynamic is we have an intense bodily response where we feel compelled to take immediate action! For example, a good friend called me and asked me questions about his depression when I had spent the last ten years trying to “help” him by giving numerous suggestions over the years. The fact is he has never taken any of them. 

We want to heal from our own bait activation, so we don’t engage, reinforce, or continue this relational insanity. We need tools to avoid engaging in this type of conversation, which leads to escalation and unhappiness for both parties.

Questions to ask yourself:

• What does this interaction remind me of from childhood? 

• Why am I so invested in changing this person?

• What am I afraid to lose?

• What old wound am I really responding to, which is inside of me and has nothing to do with them? 

• What do I need to do to unhook myself and exit this interaction?

Tools:

When someone says something that has now activated you, stop, pause, and notice what is happening in your body. Remember, you are just having intense bodily sensations. Breathe 

Notice the story your mind is making up about this interaction. Remember – what is coming out of the other person’s mouth is Not About You It is coming from their history, their psychology, their wounds, their unresolved issues 

Remind yourself that they have no other way to communicate, and you can only be responsible for your responses. If you can’t say something calmly back, these are some suggestions on what to say: 

“I need some time to think; I’ll get back to you,” “I’m having negative feelings right now, so I’m going to take time out to process,” or Just Don’t say anything 

Know what you want and deserve. Look at the facts of the situation. For example, My friend just wants to call and vent about how he feels; he really doesn’t want any help with his depression. This means I need to notice my grief and frustration around my friend’s issue. Period. 

When you become more skillful at communicating and not reacting, your life will be more peaceful, joyful, and calm. It requires practice and a deep dive into your own history of communication, but it will lead you to freedom from relationship insanity. Check out Sarah’s book Co-Crazy for more Deep Dives.

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