How to Work the Steps in Reverse: First, try to do something, anything else. Work the traditions. Work the concepts. Get a famous sponsor. The first you won’t finish and the second you’ll never start but you can blame the third for that. 

From there you can go several ways. Have a breakup. Get injured. It’s best to do them one after the other, because then you can stop believing in anything but chemical relief.

It’s okay because it’s prescribed by a doctor. You are white and pretty and no doctor has ever said no to you. Think about that later, when you are trolling for Xanax providers. Now you’re on morphine, tryna vibe.

It is best if the breakup causes you to stop going to your favorite meeting.

One day Dave says, “My fancy college degree didn’t get me sober, but service to others does.” That cunt forgot he told you that he failed out. You can’t slip your dog’s CBD in his tea through the computer like you did when he slept over, so you stop going.

Do a deep dive into the history of AA. Discover you have a neurological disorder. This will explain the deep dive. By now you have realized the truth: you could come to believe in anything.

Think about how you are going to die and be nothing but also how you probably aren’t an alcoholic. Consider just getting it over with. By now you don’t go to meetings anymore so you listen to no one except true crime podcast hosts. This is the only time you don’t want to die now, when you are listening to other people’s murders.

Call your famous sponsor. Tell her you no longer believe in God, you are mental, but differently (& more) than suspected, you want to die because you no longer believe in anything &, obviously, you probably aren’t an alcoholic.

Her advice is usually to block someone but this time she says, “Pray about it. It’s just alcoholism.” It is the best joke she’s written since the nineties. Later, drunk, you will accuse her of being reckless. She will block you. It will take you nearly a year and Siri to figure this out.

By now you are your own famous sponsor.

Here are the steps you took, which are suggested as a program for ruining everything.

Step Twelve:

Told all of your sponsees that God isn’t real, Bill W was an asshole, and they probably aren’t alcoholics.

Step Eleven:

Thought that if you want to talk to someone you no longer believe in, you can look in the mirror.

Step Ten:

Continued to take the inventory of people in your morning meeting & when they were wrong promptly called them out.

Step Nine:

Called out such people wherever possible, except when to do so would give them the satisfaction.

Step Eight:

Made a list of people who were mad at you for no reason, and become willing to tell them off, non-consensually.

Step Seven:

Heartily claimed that you were not the problem.

Step Six:

Were entirely ready to engage in old behavior.

Step Five:

Admitted to anyone who still answered: you hate your mother, your ex, and everyone in your morning meeting. 

Step Four:

Made a scrutinizing and vengeful inventory of everyone in said morning meeting.

Step Three:

Made a decision that you got this.

Step Two:

Came to understand that you are alone in the universe and that life will only get worse from here.

Step One:

You admitted you were probably not an alcoholic; that your life had become unbearable

DRINK.

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