How Do You Mourn The Loss of a Sober Friend That You Never Met IRL? (*In Real Life)

December 29, 2021

On Monday, December 27th, 2021, I found heartbreaking news that my friend Martin Lapid, one of the Co-Founders of Serenitees Collection (an online recovery clothing line) and one of our SOBER POP crew, lost his battle with addiction. Martin was a recovering drug addict and talented graphic designer. To honor his family that has been left in the wake of this news, I’m not going to go into the details of how his life ended. It’s a tragic loss for his family, his two kids, his friends, and the sober online community at large.

And that’s what I want to talk about today. How do we mourn the loss of people in our recovery community that we’ve never even met in real life? How do we celebrate their life when we’ve never spent time with them in person? And to what extent does this “in-person” technicality of friendship even matter, given we now live in a digital world amidst a global pandemic, collectively trying to recover out loud?

How I Met Martin

Martin and I came to know each other in the digital lands of sober Instagram and sober Clubhouse in early springtime 2021. One of the first club rooms at SOBER POP that I was most excited about was recorded before recording on Clubhouse was even a thing (thank you, Brooke Robichaud, aka Sober Biz Babe, aka SoberWifeStyle), was on the topic of recovery merch. Because, after all, shopping is my cardio, and bringing people together is one of my hidden talents. Like, if connecting people was an Olympic sport, I’m confident in my ability to at least get the bronze.

Martin was one of our guest speakers, alongside other excellent recovery clothing brands like Recovery Life Apparel, Team Twelv, Sober is Dope, and A Sober Girls Guide. This was a magical conversation then, and it takes on new meaning now. You can listen to that episode here.

Shortly after this meet-up on Clubhouse, Martin shipped me one of the shirts from his online sober merch shop, and in exchange, I took several selfies and posted them online, tagging @SereniteesCollection to help promote his merch. Martin quickly became a regular at our Wednesday night SOBER POP meetings on Clubhouse. Our text exchanges and phone calls also became an everyday thing. And just like that, another sober friendship was formed.

Martin Gets Invited to New York Fashion Week

I will never forget when he contacted me this past summer, sharing enthusiastically that he’d been asked to feature his clothing line at the upcoming Break Free fashion show in NYC during Fashion Week in February 2022. He was over the moon with excitement and couldn’t believe all of the doors and connections that were opening up for him in sobriety. We’d also created a merch collab together to raise awareness and funds for Ninety 90 Pictures, a brand new recovery nonprofit we both mutually admired and supported. Plus, Martin made connections and collaborations with so many other recovery brands. We were both getting giddy with the excitement of how the silver lining of a global pandemic was to be part of a growing online sober force to be reckoned with.

As a person with long-term recovery, this is my favorite part of being on the sidelines of other people’s recovery journeys. Watching people get things back in their lives that they’ve lost, building new things they’ve never dreamed could come true, and forging new friendships with others also afflicted by addiction. It’s a fucking magical thing to witness.

SOBER CURATOR PRO TIP: We will be featuring multiple features about the Break Free fashion show and the people behind it in January 2022. And God willing, Sober Curator Kate Vitela and I will be reporting live from the show on February 14th, 2022. We may need to be rocking Sober Curator branded hazmat suits. I’ll be wearing my Serenitees hat in honor of Martin.

The Opposite Of Addiction Is Connection

Earlier this fall, on one of my pilgrimages to the FUNKO HQ in Everett, WA, I made sure that Martin was on my shortlist to create a custom Funko Doll that looked just like him. Sober Pop Culture is my jam, and yeah, it might be a term I made up. You don’t need to like it or even believe in it for me to love it and believe it’s a thing. Getting custom Funko dolls of each Sober Curator & SOBER POP member was an idea to create that fun, sober vibe we seek to achieve.

FUNKO only sells these custom figurines at its HQ here in Washington state, maybe at their Hollywood location. And, they limit you to buying 2-3 per person, per visit. I’ve been slowly trying to purchase one for each Sober Curator and SOBER POP member as my time and budget would allow as a way to thank them for their service. After all, we are a recovery lifestyle brand run purely by volunteers. We aren’t in it to make money or to get people sober. We simply want to entertain and inform those who have already chosen this life as their preferred lifestyle choice. One that aims to be happy, joyous, and free.

Over The Funko Moon

Martin could not believe that I had one made of him and he was even more honored to be made a regular moderator at our weekly Wednesday night meet-ups on Clubhouse. Martin was the kind of guy that oozed pure joy. It was palpable and contagious. Being around Martin was like being around a disco ball. He had that special sparkle that only comes from the shared pain that is the glue that binds our recovery communities together.

A few days later, I finally got around to doing my “Funko Pop” photoshoot before shipping the mini Funko’s to their new owners. At first, I didn’t notice that he didn’t respond to my bombardment of photos sent via text. I don’t expect people ever to answer me back right away. We all have busy lives juggling work, family, service work, staying sober, binge-watching TV shows, creating podcasts, you know, all the essential sober things.

So when DJ Missing Mei, Founder of The Creative Sober, reached out to me because Martin wasn’t responding to her reminders for their meeting, my eyebrows went up. Martin was elated to have been asked to be a guest on Season Three of The Creative Sober podcast. He’d told me about it at least five different times. WHY ON EARTH was he not responding to her? And what the fuck do we do now?

Can You Do A Wellness Check On A Sober Friend You’ve Never Met IRL? (*In Real Life)

I started blowing up everyone’s phones and sliding into anyone’s DMs that I thought might know what was happening with Martin. There aren’t many long-term people in recovery also doing online recovery out loud methods. Knowing I am one of them, I take my advocacy and connection recovery work like a full-time sober boss mom needing to know all her sober kiddos are ok. I was relentless in my outreach.

Texts were sent to Martin. I left him voicemails and sent him DM’s and emails. Nothing. No response. Sober crickets. So many messages saying I was here, no matter what had happened or transpired. I was here and waiting for him without judgment. We only ever have today, and I know the phone can sometimes weigh 8,000 lbs. Just call me, bro! I even discussed at length with multiple people in my inner sober online circles doing a wellness check on him or finding someone in the Vegas area from NA or AA to do a drive-by. Would the police department take me seriously if I told them we were only IG friends? I looked at flights. As a person that has been taught to live in solution-based methods, there must be a way to track down MIA Martin.

And then I was gently reminded by Pop (AKA Sober is Dope) I’d done what I could, and the sober ball was in Martin’s court. We are a community of attraction, not promotion. I can’t want it for him more than he wants it for himself. I can carry the message, but I can’t carry the addict. God’s will, not mine. God’s will, not mine. Why doesn’t God want what I want? Why don’t I understand what God has planned?

Time marched on. The holidays came and went, and I got the unexpected DM on IG while playing cards with my family. Martin was gone. Our last connection with Martin was on November 3rd, 2021, at SOBER POP. It was SOBER POP Trivia night, one of Martin’s favs. I’m confident I still have the score sheets at home in my notebook.

The Downside Of Long-Term Recovery

15+ years in recovery, and I’ve never gotten used to losing someone I care about to addiction and mental illness. Over time, I can always tell when it’s coming, and I always pray that I’ll be wrong. So how do we mourn the loss of someone we never knew or never met in person? It turns out it’s precisely the same as the people we lose that we have met in real life.

My friendship with Martin isn’t lessened because we never physically sat in the same church basement together. I would argue that our friendship was perhaps even more real because we intentionally put in the time to know and support each other. I only wish I could have helped you carry some of that pain buddy. The pain that got too heavy for you to carry yourself. Oh, what I would give for you to see yourself the way that we all did.

Good-Bye But Never Ever Forgotten

Martin, I will miss your laughter, and I know you tried your best. I will never be mad at you, but I will always hate addiction’s disease and stigma. I will miss how you gushed about your lady (Crystal, you were his world) and the love I know you had for both of your children. Our time together was much too short. I will never understand why some of us don’t make it and others do. The longer I’m sober, the less I know. And with that lack of understanding, I will honor your memory by trying everything possible to never take my recovery for granted and continue to fight one day at a time. Thank you for giving me nearly a year of Wednesday nights.

I hope to see you on the other side, brother. Keep an eye out for my friend Rita. She just got up there too after 91 years of life, 46 of which were spent trying to help the newcomer. She’s the feisty one swearing like a sailor with hot pink painted lips, wearing 800 shades of purple, surrounded by cats carrying a stack of little Big Books. Rita will take good care of you until the rest of us catch up.

All my love, AB

How You Can Help

If you would like to donate to the Go Fund Me that has been set up to help offset the costs for Crystal, Martin’s special lady, please do so HERE. I am certain every dollar will be greatly appreciated and help lighten the load she now carries moving forward as a single mom to Paxton.

In The Words of katie MACK, Founder Fcking Sober First 90 Days Podcast + SOBER POP Crew Member

The best people I know, the very best humans I know, are addicts in recovery. This isn’t a platitude. They laugh louder than any civilian I’ve ever met, love better, show up in the world fuller, hug stronger. Because addicts are magically sensitive humans, who’s inability to intuitively handle the world’s cruelty, they find armor in the form of drugs and alcohol to function in it. Then one day, because they are then tired of accidentally hurting others with their armor, they take action to drop the one thing that has protected them and go very very naked. What Bravery. What a true-definition-of-actual-literal-vulnerability-heart-open-beautifully-terrifying-BRAVERY. To one day, let go of everything you have known to protect you, and walk barefoot, heads up, on glass. Being in recovery over sobriety is being able to bear witness to these humans becoming glass-walking-fire-breathing Giants.

When you’re in recovery over sobriety these people, these Legends, these Brave Beauties are your FRIENDS. They call YOU when you’re unable to get off the floor, facetime you until you answer, tell you what pages to read, make you laugh with an inappropriately timed meme, show up and up and up especially when you don’t want them to. When you’re in recovery, you are given access to an army of people who will love you until you can wield your own weapons and love yourself simply…because.

Recovery Is Double-Edged

But being in recovery over sobriety is double-edged. The more you fuse your identity with it, the stronger your sobriety but also the bigger pitfall of a relapse. The more time you have in recovery the stronger your habits, but also the bigger threat that you’ll lose the time accumulated. You become stronger and bolder while also being outfitted with sandals that highlight your Achilles heel.

Being in recovery over sobriety means watching the most profoundly kind humans who taught you how to be, pass away. Loving those giants whose disease pushes a little too hard, but whose literal passing is them giving you one more lesson. Teaching you one more thing about love and being loved and loving.Martin, thank you for teaching us about a never-ending giving of your creativity and time. For laughing, and showing up, for being an example even when you didn’t want to be. For saying yes simply because another addict asked you. Thank you for simply being there, often in this virtual space, which has provided me with so many roots in my recovery. You will be missed, for you are a giant in this community, and so we will feel your absence. Wishing you, on this next leg of your journey, true Serenity. – MACK

In The Words of DJ Missing Mei, The Creative Sober + SOBER POP Crew Member

Our community has lost a creative and most humble soul. Rest in Peace, Martin Lapid.

I had the honor of knowing him through connection, design, and our recovery stories. He was a talented graphic artist, as some of us are wearing his art right now. Through his creativity, he gave back to many of us like @thesobercurator, and @ninety90pictures. He even recorded a podcast episode this season with me about his story in order to help others, that I did not have the honor of sharing during his time. The imprint he has left on those he came in contact with would say he was kind, encouraging, wise, and talented.

Beacon Of Sober Light

Martin became a beacon of light for me. In one conversation, I learned more about the experience of being a minority in sober spaces, and he gave me some peace through his listening and understanding. He enjoyed the gesture when we laughed about calling him the “Silent Ninja.” Martin created a ripple through our community that we could all feel, as I feel it now.

As much as we portray the wins in recovery on these tiles, the hard days of making a conscious decision to keep going still exist for a lot of us, and an everyday battle. Mental health and addiction ARE REAL!

Please reach out, and stay connected with who and what continues to help and support you on this journey. You chose life by becoming or wanting sobriety because you know it was a gift deep inside. Please know you are not here by accident. You made the odds of being born 1 in 400 trillion. We lost one of those lights in our community but this light will never be forgotten. – Missing Mei

In The Words of Brooke Robichaud, Founder Sober Biz Babe + SOBER POP Crew

I am so so sad to hear we lost an incredible, creative, sweet, and lovely human. Martin was always so kind to me. I loved our chats. The shirts he sent me are some of my favorites. He is one extremely missed man. My heart breaks for those grieving his unexpected passing. Love, Brooke

In The Words Of Pop Buchanan, Founder Sober Is Dope! + SOBER POP Crew Member

Rest in Peace Martin Lapid @far10mar10@sereniteescollection ❤️🙏🏽

Prayer for Martin:

Love you brother, POP

Recovery is hard 24/7, 365 – Please know that resources are available

Resources Are Available

If you or someone you know is experiencing difficulties surrounding alcoholism, addiction, or mental illness, please reach out and ask for help. People everywhere can and want to help; you just have to know where to look. And continue to look until you find what works for you. Click here for a list of regional and national resources.

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