Fifty Ways to Calm Your Nervous System That Aren’t Food, Booze, or Other People (Neurodivergent Edition)

November 22, 2023

The holidays are coming (again, rudely)! We’ve all heard the old saying, this is a three-part disease: I Can’t, I Don’t Want To & They Will Be Mad at Me If I Don’t. Okay, the joke is actually Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s, but as they say in Thailand, same-same.

The noise outside yourself this time of year will promise that joy is found through food, booze, and other people. That’s not the spirit of Christmas, that’s Capitalism, baby!

You, who are sober or presently may be, know differently. You know what doesn’t work. But you might not know what does.

When we close the door to active addiction, we don’t automatically step into a full sober life. Most of us can barely shuffle through the day. All our effort was required to simply close that door. And now we are in a hallway. One door has closed. The next has not opened. And it’s almost fucking Christmas, or whatever you aren’t really sure you believe in.

Oh, and you’re probably feeling as exposed as a third degree burn whose scab has just been ripped off by the guy from Botched, so there’s that.

Recently I told someone how good it is to remember my primary job is feeling safe, that everything else happens after that.

“Safety is an illusion,” she said. “The world is not safe.”

That’s true. And absolutely missing the point. The focus is on feeling safe in my own body. The courage to change the things I can. But how, you may ask, after a lifetime of standing under the mistletoe of food, booze & other people?

I made you a list, because I need to remember, too. Some of them are weird. Most of them are neurodivergent coded. I encourage you to find your own weird things and ritualize them. It doesn’t matter what the imaginary audience thinks. It was never between you and them anyway.

1. Pace breathing (breathing out twice as long as in activates the parasympathetic nervous system. In pranayama (yogic breathing) it’s done to give more to the world than you take from it)

2. Putting your hand over your heart and saying, “it’s okay”

3. Ice dive (mammalian dive response) — another parasympathetic activator

4. Checking in on basic needs (am I hungry, do I have to pee, when did I shower last)

5. Centering basic needs (yes the email can wait until after you pee)

6. Reducing demands on yourself (cut the to do list in half)

7. Rocking back and forth, or any kind of somatic movement (shake it off)

8. Songs that make your brain tingle on repeat

9. Rewatching favorite shows and movies

10. Journaling as if no one will ever read it

11. Going for a little walk (move a muscle change a thought)

12. Going places where you can be around people without pressure to interact (coffee shop, park)

13. Yin yoga (the kind where you lie on the floor and cry for an hour)

14. Unstructured time

15. Hot baths

16. All the lights off but the salt lamps

17. Doing work from the couch if the desk feels scary

18. Pushing yourself a little out of the safe zone (paradoxical, I know, but growth feels like safety too, so, take a shower)

19. Vagal nerve stimulation music

20.  YouTube in your current favorite flavor (mine rn is astrology)

21. Play with your pets – if you don’t have them, go watch pets play.

22. Hula hooping

23. Doing weird little dances

24. Making weird little sounds

25. Walking on your tip toes

26. Taking a moment to daydream in private

27. Turning phone on airplane mode for 45 minutes (instant relief, not too long to miss anything)

28. Meditating, even for a few minutes

29. Hallmark Christmas movies where people learn the real spirit of Christmas is in the country and everyone looks like a famous actor but also a potato (any happy ending low conflict viewing is good this time of year!)

30. Viewing obligations like a very old person who’s dropped something on the floor. Do you really need that?

31. Deep research into things nobody you know cares about at all

32. Making tiny to do lists you can easily check off

33. Fact checking yourself (Dear ugly thought, are you true?)

34. Rubbing your own feet

35. Magnet balls

36. Metta (loving-kindness meditation)

37. Everything showers

38. Smudging your space

39. Consciously reflecting on how far you have come

40. Cuddling with a body pillow

41. Weighted blankets

42. Throwing out expired / unwanted foods (maybe just me but the RELIEF)

43. If you only have a few seconds! One breath in, one breath out, then say “hello my friend” to yourself it will feel cringe the first fifty times don’t fret.

44. Validating your own emotions by telling yourself this: It is okay to feel the way that you do. Anyone who had lived your life and had your brain would feel exactly the way you do right now.

45. Making a list of things you LIKE about you

46. Tara Brach’s RAIN method for moving through emotions

47. Rereading inspirational quotes by people you admire. Here’s one of my favorites: “Listen, I wish I could tell you it gets better. But. It doesn’t get better. You get better.”  — Joan Rivers

48. Remembering that most of our worries never happen, that most of our best moments are totally unexpected.

49. Giving yourself moments from the childhood you may not have had (coloring, play doh, dolls, idgaf) & enjoying them, even if it feels embarrassing, or like you’re going to get in trouble. Especially then.

50. Giving yourself permission to fail at absolutely everything but your recovery all winter.

I won’t wish you happy holidays but calm enough ones that no one will tremble at the thought of including you next year, not even you.

If you or someone you know is experiencing difficulties surrounding alcoholism, addiction, or mental illness, please reach out and ask for help. People everywhere can and want to help; you just have to know where to look. And continue to look until you find what works for you. Click here for a list of regional and national resources.

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