Ask An Alcoholic Is A Monthly She Said / She Said Advice Column Penned by Rebecca Rush & Lauren McQ

September 02, 2022

Penned by Rebecca Rush & Lauren McQ, Hosts Of Brutal Vulnerability: A Recovery Podcast About Things Polite Ladies Don’t Discuss.  

How do I explain my alcoholism/addiction to my partner who drinks occasionally and never uses. – Simone

Recently I said to my non-alcoholic partner “I just feel like I have a rat in my brain today, do you know that feeling?” and he very innocently replied that he hadn’t felt that feeling before. It was quite funny, because having lived in my brain every day of my life, I don’t know how other people experience being a human on planet earth, and there are other people who have never lived in a brain where their natural solution to things is to obliterate themselves with drugs and alcohol. So I can never transport him into my brain, to show him the sights and scenery, but I can explain how it is affecting my thoughts today and what I may need from him if that is necessary. 

I have a very deep need to feel understood, and a fearful aversion to being misunderstood, which can mean I can over explain myself or be frustrated when I feel like I am not being seen. I have had to come to a place of acceptance of knowing in myself what is true, finding identification with people who understand, and inviting in people who don’t have the same experience I have had as much as is comfortable for both of us. With my non-alcoholic partner I like to keep it simple, factual and present. He doesn’t need to know the gory details of my behavior during the times I was active, unless it is relevant, and I try not to do it in a way that makes me seem like I’m a dark and unsolvable puzzle. I’m just a woman with alcoholism who is dating a man who doesn’t.

It is important for me to be clear that my alcoholism and addiction doesn’t make me bad or broken, it is simply something I deal with and in the past has made me do things I regret that I have worked hard to correct. It isn’t a dark cloud over the relationship that makes me the one that is too much to love. My transparency with my issues gives him space to bring his own – which quite frankly can bamboozle me as much as the ins and outs of my alcoholism can bamboozle him, but we love and support each other in the ways we can based on what we communicate to each other. 

The most important thing for me in choosing a partner was non-judgement over my past and what I have to do for my sobriety today. I explain to him that my alcoholism was progressive (getting worse) and made me hate myself, and if he wants this relationship as much as I do, part of that is accepting that I must continue my sobriety and work on it. I don’t know if he knows how serious it is or was or if he exactly understands why I’m like this – but I know that he respects it and doesn’t judge me for it, and that is all I require from him at this point.

I often feel this burden of explaining myself to people, this long held delusion that if I could just explain me exactly right that I would be understood and loved and have my needs met. It’s taken me a long time to get that other people don’t have to understand my history with problematic use and my choice to abstain from substances that I have terrible memories with – they just have to respect it. I think that as I go along in getting to know someone I am also watching their behavior as well to see if they are a match for me. They don’t need to know how bad it was if I am never going to see them again – and they might not need to know, at all. On a first date it’s easy to just say no thank you to drinking. 

If you see them again and you want to share more, that’s okay too – there are so many ways to do it that don’t put you on the defensive. I used to drink and use in a way that was harmful to my life and my life is much better without it at all. Something that used to come up for me was being told that I could surely drink normally with them – and of course there were times I would take them up on that just to show them they were wrong. Thinking about that now I find that it feels better to just not put up a fight. Sure, maybe I could, but it’s not worth the risk. If someone still wants to debate at this point, well, that seems to be a them problem.

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BRUTAL VULNERABILITY PODCAST: A recovery podcast about things that nice ladies don’t discuss. Pod hosted by Rebecca Rush of Vulnerability: A Comedy Show, held at The Hollywood Improv, and Lauren McQ of @BrutalRecovery, a recovery meme page on Instagram.

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Resources are available

If you or someone you know is experiencing difficulties surrounding alcoholism, addiction, or mental illness, please reach out and ask for help. People everywhere can and want to help; you just have to know where to look. And continue to look until you find what works for you. Click here for a list of regional and national resources.

If you or someone you know is experiencing difficulties surrounding alcoholism, addiction, or mental illness, please reach out and ask for help. People everywhere can and want to help; you just have to know where to look. And continue to look until you find what works for you. Click here for a list of regional and national resources.

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