Exploring Sobriety on the Spectrum: An In-depth Interview with #ActuallyAutistic Coach Matthew Lawrence – Unraveling the Complexities of Twelve-Step Programs, Part One

The Autists Opinion

Interviewer’s Note: We autistics may well have a remedy for thousands of such situations.

You may rely absolutely on anything we say about ourselves.

Very Truly Yours,

Rebecca Rush

Sobriety On the Spectrum: What Do You Want Autistic People to Know Before Going To 12 Step Recovery?

Matthew Lawrence: Every single one of the steps is problematic. The whole process, whether it’s the steps, the social aspect, the sensory aspect (usually being in some moldy gross,terrible church basement,) they’re all kind of bad. But fundamentally the issue is that they’re not neuro-affirming. 

The way they understand the nature of addiction and why we [autistics] get addicted is different.  Harvard did a study a few years ago that one in five people in an addiction program are autistic.

Step one, our lives are unmanageable? Yeah, our lives are manageable. It’s not because of alcohol or sex or shopping or food. It’s because we’re autistic people in a society that isn’t supporting us. 

You can get into the world right with alcohol. I’m so sensory overwhelmed by everything. Only by drinking, only by pre-gaming life, can I actually get with it. Sometimes I’m drinking to escape the sensory stuff, and sometimes I’m drinking to get into the sensory stuff. 

Often we think that the substance is the only way because we’re masking so much as autistic people. I dealt with pot addiction. I felt that I could only “know myself” by being high. I thought my mask was my real self and only by smoking could I access that real part of me. 

When we think that drugs are the way to access the real part of us we will naturally always want to be on them.

It also has the extra shitty part of it’s not true. Can you microdose, have a psychedelic experience and understand yourself a little bit more? Sure. But I think even Timothy Leary would agree that you can’t live on acid. 

Step one guilts us as to why we developed the addiction in the first place. If you look at the history of AA, it’s a bunch of WASP-y pasty schmucks. Let’s put the blame on me, I’m the bad one. We don’t need to look at capitalism. We don’t need to look at society. We don’t need to look at all that. Let’s blame the individual. It’s really on point with American Protestantism and how America developed and the Anglo Protestant work ethic. 

Step two, you’re insane and you need to find a higher power? I believe in a higher power but I know that there’s some groups that say you don’t need to believe in God, you need to believe in the universe. That’s fine. But like it starts with this thing that like we are fucked up. We are insane. 

The idea is that there’s something inherently wrong with you, and no, there’s actually nothing inherently wrong with me. I am having to use that as a way, that’s the only kind of coping mechanism that anyone’s given me because I can’t get therapy. I can’t get anything because all the therapies out there are bad. Out of all the therapists 99% of therapists are bad. 

Nobody understands that we have literally zero fucking tools. Zero. 

Step three. Turn our will over to somebody else. That is masking. That is why step three is why you’ve already become an addict. Because of the mask. 

Step four a moral inventory. It’s good to make moral inventory, but like making a moral inventory that you are telling me essentially?  Not every age group is exactly the same, right? 

SOTS: Right, people are different but the steps are always the same.

Matthew: Yeah, like you’re essentially telling me that I am morally corrupt, because I have taken something into my own hands trying to make my life fucking slightly liveable. While also knowing that I’m hurting myself. Most of us know that we’re hurting ourselves in this right. But you just sit–

SOTS: There and find what your part is in getting sexually assaulted. Yes, if I hadn’t been drunk it wouldn’t have happened. Oh, I see, “I’m still holding onto it.” Sorry to interrupt. No, no, but–

Matthew: –but that’s just it, right? Is it good for people to make moral inventory? Sometimes, shit, I’m not an angel. Are you an angel? No. But in terms of the moral inventory for any anonymous type program, it is about connecting your addiction to you being morally correct. I think we can read that that’s what that is for. It’s not about, are you good to your neighbor? It’s about you good to your neighbor, your partner vis-à-vis the addiction, which is your fault. It’s about your–

SOTS: –underlying patterns. Step four is supposed to show you your patterns – you’re supposed to see them repeating. 

In terms of ableism, I spoke at a meeting yesterday for the first time since I knew I was autistic. That was a big part of why I left AA. I’m going to mention it. It was a topic meeting; I went way out of my way to create a narrative around one. They all share on the topic as they see it, which is “insanity,” even though I explicitly told them it was “identity.” I’ve just shared that I’m autistic at group level. What they heard is that I am crazy and insane. When I had a chance to talk again, I told them off which is not what you’re supposed to do, but they’re looking–

Matthew: –at everything. All of our autistic traits, which are seen as us being possessed. A lot of the narrative against autism, with autism moms anyway, is, “Oh, my beautiful child. They were so good until the autism demon came.” I just want to have my child back. Same fucking idea.

SOTS: Yeah. I was told all my autistic traits were just alcoholism, and I could do enough steps to work my way out of them.

Matthew: It’s like how some chiropractors are sure that they can cure your cancer by cracking your neck. The idea that through AA you can you can figure out all the other things in your life.

Which is step five, admitting to God to ourselves to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. We aren’t fucking like, what am I wrong? I might be wrong about things. But in terms of this space, I am not my alcoholism, my marijuana addiction, my shopping addiction, my sex addiction, my food addiction. This thing with autistic people and all neurodivergent people whether you have Down Syndrome or ADHD or Bipolar, you are always told that you are morally wrong for being the way that you are. It’s even in our language. The way many people talk about Trump is they go “Trump is crazy.” Trump is autistic in parlance, like being autistic or being crazy, i.e. having a mental health disorder equals being morally corrupt.

More will be revealed.

XOXO,

Your Neurodivergent Sponsor

Sober Curator Pro Tip: Follow these two on Instagram: @sobrietyonthespectrum and @theautisticcoach

SOBRIETY ON THE SPECTRUM is a guide to recovery, twelve steps, and otherwise, for and about #ACTUALLYAUTISTIC alcoholics. This guide will cover everything I wish I had known during the fifteen years I spent in and out of twelve-step recovery with undiagnosed autism. Explainers, translations, workarounds, and suggestions intended to make getting sober more neuro-affirming.

By Rebecca Rush, your Neurodivergent Sponsor

SOBERSCRIBE & BE ENTERED TO WIN!

Resources are available

If you or someone you know is experiencing difficulties surrounding alcoholism, addiction, or mental illness, please reach out and ask for help. People everywhere can and want to help; you just have to know where to look. And continue to look until you find what works for you. Click here for a list of regional and national resources.

The post Exploring Sobriety on the Spectrum: An In-depth Interview with #ActuallyAutistic Coach Matthew Lawrence – Unraveling the Complexities of Twelve-Step Programs, Part One appeared first on The Sober Curator.